Mind's Memory
by Jennis524
Summary: Mulder finds himself in a place where things he once thought were true never existed at all.
1. mind's memory

Title: Mind's Memory

Author: Jen Zoromski AKA Jennis524

Rating: PG13

Archive: Anywhere, just let me know.

Summary: Mulder finds himself in a place where things he once thought were true never existed at all.

Keywords: Mulder/Scully angst, MSR, AU

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, even though I think that Chris Carter could give them to me for keeps now:)

Author's Note: I got this idea after watching _A Beautiful Mind_ since Mulder has always seemed somewhat schizophrenic with the thoughts of a conspiracy and such I thought it would be a great thing to explore more.

Please R&R

__

"Nobody down here, except for the FBI's most unwanted," I yell at the knock on the door, not even turning around to acknowledge the person entering through the door behind me.

"Agent Mulder," a young, cheery voice says behind me. "I'm Dana Scully. I've been assigned to work with you."

I study her over for a moment and then smile smugly. "I was under the impression that you were sent to spy on me."

*******

Years later I still remember that first meeting, but now after everything that has happened I have to wonder if any of it really was a part of my reality.

Her crystal blue eyes stare at me through the glass window. What kind of life did I really lead for all of these years, if it wasn't the one I knew?

Minutes later I hear the echo of footsteps outside. The shuffling stops outside of the door.

Through the dim light I can see a familiar shadowy figure - of a man I have come to despise.

"Fox it's time for you to come with me," the smoking bastard says.

I struggle against him, kicking and swinging my arms.

"No, I won't let you. You've been part of the conspiracy all along. You can't hide the truth for much longer," I scream at him.

Two burly nurses nearly run through the door and help Spender to restrain me.

A sharp prick stings my arm and I start to fall into a hazy world. Dreams start to pass me by, mixing both fact and fiction until I reach a dark oblivion.

******

"I don't understand it. How could this have gone on for so long?" a confused Dana Scully inquires nervously playing with a diamond ring on her left hand.

Spender sympathetically smiles at her and then starts to explain.

"I have never seen a case of schizophrenia as bad as his. It is as though most of the things that have happened to him in the past two years have to him been eight years in a dream world," Spender pauses. 

"But you being a medical doctor, Doctor Scully, you know what I'm talking about with the paranoia, seeing people, believing that there is a conspiracy, and of all things he thinks for the past eight years he has been investigating an unknown and unheard of department of the FBI call the X-Files."

Heavy footsteps echo in the nearly quiet hallway outside of Mulder's room.

Scully turns around and is face to face with a confused, but very concerned John Doggett.

"Dana, I came as soon as I heard he was admitted. What's going on?"

"John, you didn't have to come. Monica needs you more that Mulder or I need you--"

"--she's a week away from her due date, plus she said she'd call if anything changed," Doggett interrupts. "So what the hell is going on?"

"I'm Doctor Greg Spender, the psychologist that's been assigned to his case. Who are you?"

"Special Agent John Doggett. I've been Mulder's partner in the Violent Crimes Unit for five years."

"Nice to meet you."

"What's his condition?" Doggett inquires looking from Spender to Scully for an answer.

"Mr. Mulder is exhibiting symptoms of a severe form of schizophrenia."

"And what does that mean?" Doggett asks concerned.

"It means that he can't separate fact from his dream world. Apparently in the past year and a half it has gotten severely worse," Spender explains.

"Okay, but what does that do to him?" Doggett questions definitely showing his investigative skills.

Scully chokes back tears as she continues Spender's explanation.

"Imagine, John, having some of the people you cared about or events that defined the person you became are not dead or gone, but rather worse...they never existed."

"Dana, does he remember you?" John asks.

She nods her head wiping away tears off her cheek.

"He does, but he thinks he's been working in a division of the FBI that investigated the paranormal -- he said that we investigated a conspiracy to conceal the existence of extraterrestrials," Scully pauses.

"What am I going to do? He...he..."

Scully's face goes from red to pale in less than a few seconds as she starts to feel herself falling--

Falling into a dark world of nothing.

*******

A knock comes from my door and seconds later footsteps pound into my living room. I turn to see her pained expression planted on her face.

"Scully, what's wrong?" 

"Salt Lake City, Utah," she says softly, "Transfer effective immediately."

I stare at her, refusing to believe that our partnership is going to be broken apart.

"After what you saw last night--after all you've seen, Scully, you can't just walk away," I tell her.

"I have...I did. It's done."

I watch her stunned for a moment, "Just like that..."

"I'm contacting the state board Monday to file my medical reinstatement papers--"

"But I need you on this Scully!" I plead urgently.

"You don't, Mulder. You've never needed me. I've only held you back," she says biting her lip to keep herself from crying. "I've got to go."

Scully leaves my apartment headed out to the rest of her life.

I run after her, grabbing her arm, pulling her around, "You're wrong."

A fierce, fiery gaze looks at me. "Why was I assigned to you? To debunk your work. To reign you in...to shut you down."

I shake my head disagreeing. "No, you've saved me, Scully. AS difficult and frustrating as its been sometimes your goddamn, strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over." I pause briefly.

"You've kept me honest and made me a whole person. I owe you everything and you owe me nothing."

I stop and continue in a voice barely audible. "I don't want to do this without you. I don't know if I can. And if I quit now--they win..."

*******

"Mr. Mulder, It's time to wake up," a soft voice says through the darkness. 

I blink my eyes and stare at the young, almost angelic nurse that stands before me.

"Who are you?" I whisper.

"I'm Gabi," she says.

My surroundings are still the same. White walls, no windows, and a door with a small glass frame in it.

"What happened to me?" I inquire looking at Gabi.

"They are trying a new medication on you to help with the visions. Dr. Spender gave you a mild sedative."

I nod, understanding. But the name Spender makes me somewhat uneasy and I can't exactly place my finger on it.

"Where's Scully?" I ask trying to see if she is out in the hallway.

Gabi's entire demeanor shifts to a dread filled expression. Her eyes tell it all.

"What happened to Scully?" I nearly scream at the girl.

"She...she collapsed in the hallway about six hours ago. Dr. Spender has given me orders to keep you here, but I think you have a right to see your wife," she says quickly.

"Will you please take me to her. I need to see her."

Gabi nods helping me out of bed and into a wheelchair. Hardly anyone is in the hallways as she wheels me down a long corridor and onto an elevator. 

We finally stop in front of a room. Scully's room.

Gabi opens the door and wheels me into the room. An IV is hooked to Scully's arm. She seems to be sleeping peacefully, but for some reason I doubt it.

I turn to ask Gabi a question, but as I look around the open door she is no where in sight.

Vanished.

I shake it off and wheel myself into Scully's room, taking my usual bedside vigil.

Her flesh is cold and I try to warm her hand up. With her fire red hair spread over the white pillow she almost looks surreal.

I pray to God that she is real. After learning that half of my life, the things that I thought I saw and the events I thought I experienced were not true, I don't need to have Scully be something fake.

Events that I thought defined my life and the person I became were never truly real or never happened at all. If the relationship that I thought I had with Scully isn't true then I don't know how I will survive. 

After almost a decade - imaginary or not I came to depend on her. I learned how to trust another and how to love unconditionally.

Somewhere along the way darkness over came me as I found myself once again falling into my dream world -- my utopia.

********

__

Opening the door and gazing at her somber blue eyes snaps me out of my victory celebration. I adjust the hat on my head brushing against the bandage that covers an attempt by the smoking bastard to take the world's fate into his own hands.

"Scully, what are you doing here? Actually, I was just getting dressed to come and see you, but I couldn't find a tie to go with my victory cap."

Scully tries to smile, "Mulder no work," she says removing my cap. "You have to go back to bed."

"I was coming down to work to tell you that Albert Hosteen is dead. He died last night in New Mexico. He'd been in a coma for two weeks. There was no way he could have been in your apartment."

Scully shakes her head insisting that they had prayed together.

"Mulder, I don't believe that. I don't believe it. It's impossible."

I shake my head at her skepticism -- always the same.

"Is it any more impossible than what you saw in Africa? Or what you saw in me?"

Scully breaks our gaze -- looking down, nervously. "I don't know what to believe anymore. I was so determined to find a cure, to save you, that I could deny what it was that I saw. And now, I don't know what the truth is. I don't know who to listen to, I don't know who to trust," she says struggling to hold back her tears.

I pull her in for a deep embrace.

"Scully, I was like you once. I didn't know who to trust. And I chose another path, another life, another fate, where I found my sister. And even though my world was unrecognizable and upside down there was one thing that remained the same."

I pull back, cupping her face in my hands staring at her intently.

"You were my friend and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant...my touchstone," I tell her softly.

"...And you were mine," she replies through her tears.

*****


	2. mind's memory pt 2

Title: Mind's Memory Part 2

All other information in first chapter...R&R

*********

"Mulder," she whispers hoarsely into the darkness, breaking the dream-like state I was in.

I open my eyes and I am finally looking into her beautiful blue eyes.

"Hey, Scully. How're you feeling?" I inquire looking at her pale face.

"I'm feeling better," she says weakly. Scully didn't look like she was feeling better. I wonder how many times I have sat by her bedside in reality. In my schizophrenic world it was too many times to count. When she disappeared and came back barely holding on to life. Or when she was shot during countless cases I was at her bedside. During her cancer I wept at her bedside vigil when she was asleep, but was it all a dream? Was every moment I spent at her bedside just a figment of my imagination?

"Mulder?" Scully whispers.

"Yeah, I'm here," I reassure her.

I stare at her a minute longer -- looking into her face, wondering the kind of life we really lived.

I grab her left hand and feel the ring on her finger. She's married, but to who?

"Mulder, what are you thinking?" she inquires.

I play with the ring on her finger.

"So, who's the lucky guy?" I ask starting to feel the ache in my heart.

Scully stares at me hurt and then replies, "You, Mulder, you're the lucky guy."

"I'm sorry that I don't remember. I haven't been able to decipher fact from fiction."

She only nods, a sad expression covers her face.

"Mulder, what do you remember about your life, the fantasy world?"

"I remember you. I remember searching for a truth that I never ever found, but you were always by my side. We investigated the paranormal -- aliens, monsters, humans with special powers and you know looking at it now it seems pretty unbelievable," I say stopping.

Scully only watches me with her deep tear covered blue eyes.

"But you know what, Scully, whatever life I thought I was in, whatever visions I saw you were always there. You were the one that kept me going, the one I trusted and you were the one that stole my heart."

Scully smiles with tears running down her face.

A long silence passes between us as we stare into each others' eyes and studying one another's faces.

"Say something, Scully," I finally reply.

She takes a deep breath and starts to talk.

"Our story goes back almost ten years -- originally we both worked at the FBI in the Violent Crimes Unit. You were brilliant, coveted by both the CIA and the FBI, but you told me thatyou chose the FBI because of you father. He was an FBI agent for over forty years.

"Mulder, from the very beginning I knew you were different. You had a sense of humor that could light up a dark and dreary stake out," she pauses looking at me.

"Go on Scully," I urge.

"We worked on quite a few emotionally tough cases during the first two years. By that time we trusted one another with everything including our lives."

She goes on to describe some of our earlier cases. Emotional ones that definitely took some of the fire out of Scully's eyes. Looking into her deep blue eyes I don't need the memories because I can see the pain, and the loss in her eyes. I can see that she started to doubt the innocence of life.

"You know, Mulder, during a case that involved the gruesome death of a young boy I started to question my believe in a God that would let that happen. We saw some horrible things, but having you at my side made it easier."

Tears start to slide down her face and I pull her close to me.

"Scully," I whisper, "You make me complete."

We hold one another for a long time. Her sobs shaking the both of us. Just how much has she lost? How much have I lost?

"What about us, Scully? When did we become a couple?" I inquire curious about the married couple we became.

Scully pulls away from our embrace and grins at me.

"You really forgot how we as a couple came to be?"

"I've told you, Scully, I don't remember..." I say seriously.

"...I know, Mulder," she replies playfully.

Scully goes on to tell me that after working together for three years we stared to do things away from the rigorous work that we did. And during that time our trust and friendship turned into a deep, love filled bond.

"We were married five years after we met on November 9, 1997, and we've been married for almost five years," she finishes as she plays with the ring around her finger.

Maybe things in this life aren't that bad. Hell, in the world were I fought desperately, I had sacrificed everything...she had sacrificed just as much and we still weren't together.

"What about children?" I inquire curiously.

Scully smiles like a proud mother would.

"Emily and William."

Oh, my God -- the two children that both Scully and I became attached to and then lost in my dream world were ours, alive and well in this life, my real life.

"And everything's okay with them? You were never barren...they're normal?" I ask -- my paranoia coming back.

Scully nods her head looking at me puzzled. "Mulder, they are two perfectly normal kids. Emily just turned four in July and William is fifteen months old - born just last May and I've never been barren, considering the fact that Emily was conceived on our wedding night," she says laughing.

I study her for moment, really taking her in. Her face looks horribly pale and her body too skinny. 

"Then what's wrong, Scully?" I finally ask her.

She looks down nervously at her hands and then back up at me with tears welling up in her eyes.

"For the past few month I've been battling with cancer--"

"--Oh my God! It's incurable isn't it?" I inquire taking her into my arms. I guess sometimes reality and the dream world coincide.

"No, Mulder, the thing is that just last week I learned that it went into remission," she says trying to reassure me.

"But what happened here?"

"I'm still weak from all of the treatments I received and with all the stress...I just passed out. The doctors are just monitoring me to make sure everything is all right."

We hold one another for a long time. Just me and her. The rest of the world is gone and we are content with other another. Since they have been giving me medication I haven't been living in my alternate world for what seems to be forever.

We must have fallen asleep in each others' arms on her hospital bed.

Dreams no longer come to me with all of the drugs they have me on and the place I retreat to when I close my eyes is a black nothingness.

*****

Dr. Spender and Doggett watch as the couple sleeps soundly on the hospital bed.

"I don't think having them together is helping him to recover from the images and the life he thought he knew," Dr. Spender says.

Doggett shakes his head, "I think pulling them apart would wreak havoc. Whatever world Mulder thought he was in Scully was always there with him. Don't take that cornerstone away from him," Doggett pleads.

Spender nods, "I suppose it isn't doing that much harm."

He leaves Doggett standing at the door staring at Mulder and Scully sleeping soundly. 

Minutes later he nods and walks away from the two thinking that they definitely have a connection that anyone would want to have.

********

I open my eyes looking around the room, disoriented until my gaze lands on the fiery red hair of Dana Scully.

I try to get up without waking her, but she senses me leaving and opens her eyes.

"Mulder," she calls out.

"I'm right here," I tell her.

She grabs my hand and doesn't let go.

An hour later the pitter-patter of little feet echo outside Scully's room. Moments later the door bursts open and a little girl with strawberry blond hair runs through it.

"Daddy!" she screams. 

Maggie Scully comes walking through the door with a toddler in her arms. His blond hair is starting to turn darker.

Emily jumps into my arms and I hold onto her. This is what I've missed --

Having her weight in my arms is indescribable. Maybe I really did miss out on the life I thought I saw. It's hard to believe that my brain would try and let me forget Emily and William.

Maggie Scully hands me William and I stand there with my two children in my arms.

Something that is totally amazing.

"Daddy, when are you coming home?" the three-year-old shrieks.

"Soon, pumpkin," I say reassuringly.

How could I have let Scully miss out on this? How could she let herself miss out on these children? 

"Mulder what's wrong?" Scully inquires concerned.

"Absolutely nothing. This is the greatest moment of my life," I reply.

Minutes spent with my children turn into hours and finally Scully and I find ourselves alone in the hospital room, again. The laughter still fading into a distant memory.

I find myself falling into the darkness once again wondering if it is all real or if it is just a figment of my imagination.

******

__

Somewhere in New Mexico

May 19, 2002

A New Mexico freeway stretches out for miles as a Ford Explorer flies along the barren road.

On closer examination Scully is driving the Ford Explorer continuously looking at the person next to her. Mulder is sleeping soundly-- the first time in a long time.

Scully shakes her head remembering the dreams that Mulder has been having lately and the things that he has said when he is sound asleep.

Hours later Scully pulls the Explorer into a run of the mill motel just outside of Roswell.

"Mulder, wake up," she says shaking him gently.

His eyes don't register right away. Looking from her to the front door of the motel he can't get it. He doesn't understand what is going on.

"What are we doing here?" 

"Don't you remember, Mulder?"

He shakes his head, very confused. 

"Kirsch and Skinner helped you escape from death row after you went on trial for the death of a super soldier."

Mulder holds his head in his hands, shaking it.

"This can't be...this isn't real."

Scully gently moves Mulder into the motel room. Hours later Scully lays on the bed with Mulder sitting next to her on the floor. Both still obviously in their own thoughts.

Thoughts, philosophies are exchanged and Mulder pulls himself onto the bed, putting himself behind Scully.

He whispers gently in her ear, "Maybe there is hope."

They fall asleep together, falling into their dark dreamlands. Mulder into his with the uncertainty of the life he's really supposed to be living. But the laughter of the strawberry blond child echoes through his mind as he completely falls into the dark world where he has so often retreated. With questions, and answers, and a truth that he must find with in himself.

His truth.

Their truth.

FIN

R&R


End file.
